Be in your own corner.. when you’re ready.
So many times I would come away from an event, party or game really disappointed in myself. I wasn’t able to enjoy the event or social situation. I just wanted it over. Like I’ve said in previous posts, my anxiety included the typical butterflies – only my butterflies ruled my life. During my intense coaching days, I would wake up nauseous before I could even remember what the day held for me. I would lay in bed, trying to talk myself out of throwing up. Then I realize I am playing St. Francis today, or I have a family dinner with the in-laws. There were times I would eat a few crackers a day, so I wouldn’t have anything in my stomach.
As the event came closer, I would start to feel panic and head to the bathroom. I would do everything I could to talk myself out of getting sick, and just get it together. All I wanted to do was collect myself and get on the court. Then I would start the downward spiral, blaming myself for being so weak, asking God why he presented me with this hurdle in my life. Then only negative and demeaning thoughts towards myself. Criticisms that I would never think to give someone else, I was abusing myself, and at times – hated myself.
It was time to get in my own corner. Fight for myself. Try to hush the negative self. As hard as it was, I started to peal back the layers in a positive way. But first, I had to believe in myself, and believe that I was prepared and ready. One layer might be timeframe, I can do this for a couple hours. Never using a negative, always trying to use the ‘I can.’ One layer could be your support team, this is one of the harder ones, because who really knows how bad you are struggling. One of the easier scenario’s was when I was at a party for someone else, I could convince myself that it’s not about me, it’s about them. That way I can be confident in myself from the second row, until I was comfortable.
As much as I wanted to get my life together, I really had to be ready to accept the help. All along I thought I could do it on my own. I just couldn’t get it done. I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to care for my girls in an emergency, or do the simple things like taking Gracyn to Pre-School without feeling intimidated by all the other mom’s.
Along with my fabulous therapist, I find I get a lot of motivation from Instagram. I follow inspirational mom’s, and positive and motivated people. I keep surrounding myself with supportive and encouraging things. It’s been a chore to keep myself positive. Now that I’m on the right track, it keeps getting easier. I’m not gonna lie, it takes a lot of work and yoga. Maybe one day it will all come natural to me, but for now, I love the life I’ve made. It was always there, I just didn’t see it. I’m a confident mom and wife because I’m in my own corner.
Comments