So, it took me most of the year to be confident at preschool drop off. I know I know, don’t ask – I don’t know why. Self-confidence is not one of my strong suits. A few things could have played a part. I could have been nervous about Gracyn going to school or being away from me or nervous for her, or I was nervous around the other mom’s, the list goes on. I have always felt the extreme guilt of a working mom. Everyone seemed to already know each other. I felt like the odd mom out, walking into the Mommy club I wasn’t invited to. I was very intimidated. Who needs a Xanax for school drop-off? This girl!
It was early in the school year when I realized my anxiety was getting the best of me. This was when I decided I needed a little extra help. Drop-off wasn’t until 9:15, so I had a few hours to sit and stir, and perseverate about my 3 minute drive, on the rare days that I took her to school. It took me a few months, and a lot of superwoman poses to get me comfortable. Superwoman pose is when you stand tall, hands on your hips and looking up and to the right. You stand like that for a few minutes, taking some cleansing breaths, and you feel like Superwoman!
One day I came home to an invitation to a Mother’s Day Tea. I felt a pit in my stomach already. Then I start feeling bad about myself because I can’t believe I have a doubt in my mind about going. Of course, I wanted to go, but I was already nervous about it. The day came, I took the morning off, and mom took Gracyn to school on her way to Wonderful One’s with Brooklyn since I didn’t have to be there until later in the morning. I had a very rare couple hours to myself. I did some yoga, I took my time getting ready and got mentally prepared. I really wanted to get through this and also enjoy it. Crazy huh? I think it sounds crazy just typing it.
I get ready to leave, and I am feeling calm. I get there in plenty of time and pass by Club Mom and chat with a few other mom’s I’ve seen before. It was time to go back to the classroom and I was still ok. We stand in line until we are called and Gracyn meets me at the door with a handmade corsage and she takes me to my seat. I sit there for a few minutes and watch the children, waiting to see their mom in the doorway.
A rush of cold goes through my body. I’m about to panic. I don’t know why. I thought I was doing great! Gracyn is doing great! Why am I reaching in my bag for my medicine? Why am I scouting the exit, and looking for a cup of water? As I explain this incredibly frustrating situation to my therapist, she very calmly says, “Clairsentience. You are not psychic, you just have a very sensitive radar.” I wasn’t anxious until I was watching the kids, and started thinking, how disappointed they would be if their momma didn’t show up! -If you have ever had a physical or emotional feeling wash over you without a discernible connection to your current state of mind, you have just experienced clairsentience.
Awesome. Not only have I spent my life worrying about my own anxiety, but now I’ve been told that I can sense other’s anxiety which makes me anxious! WHAT! But this totally makes sense! There are times where I am sitting on the bench, feeling fine. I realize that I’m calm, and then wonder if I did everything, is my lineup in? Did I forget something, are their jersey numbers right? What am I missing? Why aren’t I nervous, or running to throw up before I toss to the setters in warmups. Then I look at one of my athletes, maybe a sophomore playing in her first varsity match, she looks pale and scared to death. I start to feel a little anxious, and it hits me that I wasn’t anxious, but I am now. ‘I’ didn’t do anything different, except look at one of my kids that might be having a hard time. I usually go give them a little nudge of encouragement, and tend to feel better myself. I totally get it now.
So there we go. Just when I think I have a handle on my own issues, I find out that I feel for everyone in the room! No wonder I stopped watching the Bachelorette, I felt so nervous for them! I’ve made it this far.. and I know it’s a work in progress. Don’t worry, I feel for you.
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