LIFT THE OARS..
If someone would have asked me before last week, “What is the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?” I wouldn’t have a note worthy answer. I love motivational quotes, so I could have come up with something, however, this: ‘Lift your oars.’ It seems to be sticking with me on a pretty heavy level. As I live with anxiety day in a day out, I have found a little peace when I think, lift the oars – just let it happen, and go with the flow.
You could say I’ve been a bit of a control freak. I’ve always needed to know the next step, I’ve always needed to be prepared for what could happen. It’s been hard for me to accept things when it hasn’t been done the way I think it should be done. In high school, my anxiety ruled my life, and I controlled it with food. I could control eating, or not eating, and when I would get nervous, there wouldn’t be anything in my stomach for me to be sick. That didn’t make for a very strong and athletic body as my intentions were to play college volleyball. I ended up settling for a situation I could control. The continued disappointment I had in myself when I couldn’t have a good time and enjoy the many events in my life, all because my stomach was in knots and always on the verge of a panic attack. Most people get butterflies, my butterflies rule my life.
Not until my baby girl was born and rushed to NICU, did I realize, I had no control over a situation. She lay there with breathing tubes and monitors beeping, there was nothing I could do. It was in God’s hands at this point, lift the oars. I just kept thinking it wasn’t fair, I kept her safe for 9 months. The delivery was too fast, which again, was out of my control.
The 9 months was over, the constant ‘morning’ sickness was finally gone. All I wanted was a big Whopper meal from Burger King. Except I had no appetite. My fairytale of leaving home on a Thursday with all the baby stuff laid out and ready to receive my little princess a few days later. The thought of going home without my brand-new baby girl was devastating. I had those oars in the water, fighting up stream until I couldn’t row anymore.
Gracyn was getting better with everyday, as I was getting worse. I had uncontrollable headaches, where I couldn’t sit up. After 3 days and 3 blood patches later, I was admitted back into the hospital the day after Gracyn came home. Thankful for my mom, mother-in-law, husband, aunt and cousin to take care of G at home and my dad being with me at the hospital. I was leaking spinal fluid caused by my epidural. Again, I had no control over the 7 holes and a tear in my spine. Blood patches weren’t fixing it. Not only did I have a spinal fluid leak, I was also not eating. Basically my body was breaking down. Trying to deal with a NICU newborn baby and my debilitating headaches. 3rd trip to the ER for a MRI prescribed by my neurologist, they also found my potassium level was at a scary low, and would lead to heart failure. So I spent a few days in the hospital trying to fix the potassium along with the 3 bags of caffeine through my IV. I was told 1 bag of caffeine was the equivalent to 20 cups of coffee. The intention was to tighten up the tissue in my body, and close the holes in my spine. I lay there stiff as a board with plenty of pain killers. No choice, but to lift the oars.
I had a week old baby at home, who had only been held by her mommy for 1 night at home. I had to ask my mom and husband to stop sending pictures, I couldn’t stand not being there. All control had been lost at this point. I was numb.
Not until recently have I jumped into the self help side of life. You can’t depend on Xanax forever, at some point, you have to help yourself. Meeting with my therapist again was a much needed step, as everything was seeming like a big deal. She has opened my eyes to how I used to deal with things, and how its ok to be selfish. Situation start zipping right and left.. just lift the oars. Wait to paddle.
Welcome to my blog! Wow.. this was a little heavy, I’m glad I didn’t open with this! I promise to lighten things up from now on. Talk about therapy! Blogging is therapy in itself. I don’t know that many people knew the whole story of me and Gracyn’s first adventure.
Lift the oars, ride the wave.
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